Life Saving

Blimey... the second blog in just days... I must be in an expressive mood indeed.

Well I fell across this blog... http://kdsthinkingoutloud.blogspot.com/2009/08/rescued.html and I think you should read it... I was in some desperate need for some cheering up let me tell you.. and its just one of those heart warming stories of a lady and her puppy. fantastic.

Inspiration seems to be something I am lacking, and even though I have just handed in my last piece of work for this year (thank god!) I still feel really melancholy.

Trying to be yourself I think is one of the most difficult things a person can do. Because to be yourself surely you have to be a little bit like the people around you?? As they have put some input into your life. But if these people are not rubbing off their traits onto you... You just feel a little lost... in limbo... the only fork in a huge bunch of spoons. What is this massive desire for the human race to be part of a group? obviously a natural thing as animals run in packs. But what if you feel like you have fallen into the wrong pack? Not for any particular reason, just that your pack runs a different route to you. You have a choice then. The choice to carry on being yourself and hope that the pack accepts you for that eventually. Or to become one of the pack heart and soul... totally mould yourself into one of them - which doesn't have to be a bad thing, creating a new you... its whether deep down you want a new you.

Some people are very good at keeping all their personality traits and still blend into a group without a flicker of change in themselves... and the group grows to accept them. Now I however... Have no idea what I do in this situation. The thought process runs through my head until I overcomplicate it soooo much that that is probably the problem in the first place. If I spent less time in my head and just more time throwing myself into the group I would not have these worries in the first place! But then you wonder... is it all in your head?

I have contradicting arguements from lots of sides and to be quite frank, I have no idea what to do... apart from try to be what I class as "myself" and not let anyone change or belittle that. Thats harder than you think.

Why am I so difficult? The pack is a bunch of lovelies in their own unique way... But for some reason I think I missed a train somewhere and am now completely off track. Derailed and my phone has cut off so calling for help seems to be off limits by far.

My brainwave is out of sync and to be honest... its throwing my whole self off track completely

So if anyone can help please.... leave me a note... or give me a new head...

Til next time... B ♫

132 days...

Good Morning there,

Well its another lovely day here in England. These days are rare and should never be winged about as it is truly stunning and if I could spend the day in the sun I truly would my friends.

But instead I do have to go to work. Pain in the rectum these job things aren't they? Saying that though I do enjoy the change in scenery I must say! And on a student nurse wage you need a little bit on the side just to make life that much more exciting for you when you do have the spare time. As I am heading off to France in a few weeks (never been... so this should be intriguing) I need all the money I can possibly get!

I am glad the France thing is rolling around. Life is boring me at the moment. So much so I had to get a book called 132 days. Now that might not make any sense to you right now but it will in about 3 seconds. Its a book detailing different things you can do with yourself on your days off. It has something for every weekend, holiday day and bank holiday. And this book cheers me up immensely every time I look through it! whether it be about an underwater hotel or a volunteering holiday working with Elephants.

I am glad I have such a read. Because in these moments where life just isn't being satisfactory... You can have dangerous thoughts on how to make this more exciting. Mostly negative. Like getting so "totally wasted" out of your face and ending up in a town... in a house that you have never been in before and probably would never of in a sober moment. All in one night you could possibly commit a crime, end up noticing that vomit seems to be a new part of your dress code and that adultery is definitely a good idea. These are all things I have no interest for. The only thing I want to do when drunk is tell all my friends and even strangers that I love them. Dance like a total rock star (even though everyone watching will think your a total idiot), do something embarrassing enough to be laughed at but not to be arrested/ thrown out/ broken up with over.

You see in this mist of boredom, I do have a slight savior. That would be Slim. Slim is my other half and that is not a very imaginative name for him at all. As he is very slim indeed. And very much my opposite. But we work and that's all I ask for. Plus I adore him. OK, there are moments when some things could be different, but in the massive scheme of things they are not really that important. His appetite for some things could be higher. But this would only be because I have such an insatiable habit for it. It is just one of those things in life I find extremely fascinating and would like to make a good part of my life. But I shall be weening him into that life slowly and shall definitely be keeping you updated with that.

You see, the thing is, I find sex truly intriguing. I mean people can change most things about themselves. But not this area. This is always something that a person will have certain things they enjoy and express and will never be truly happy with themselves unless they are being true in these areas. And I don't mean homosexuals pretending to be hetero. I mean everything. Like the young woman who likes to be spanked. The man who likes to pretend to be a baby. Yet these are the most hidden things from the ones we love most. Doesn't anyone else think thats odd? Something that gives you pure pleasure and happiness and your ashamed of it? I think this is terrible. If you enjoy wearing your other halfs underwear (this is aimed more at the male species...) then why not let her know... Obviously dont come prancing down into the kitchen with her best La Sensa set on. Ease it in. Its totally you. Trust me, if the person loves you then surely they should love everything about you? People. Liberate.

She says hiding behind her computer screen. I can hear you saying that in your head. I am working on it. Miracles don't happen overnight you know.

Time to put on the working clothes and face.

Ciao x B ♪

Its been quite an eventful day today. haha!

Well after deciding that the fridge in my room was faaaarrr tooo noisy to keep we decided to swap it with another floors in the flat that I am inhabiting....

Ive done that now much to the residents digust at us waking him up... to be honest I think me and the 3 ladies are a lovely wake up call at 4pm? but each to their own I suppose... I have realised that I have stolen the SAME fridge... and it makes just as much noise... except this one is full of ice and needs cleaning and defrosting. Karma playing its usual pretty tracks I suppose

Here is an interesting fact for you all..... My pal *S* has found that a sanitary towel is very useful to use if you have run out of cotton wool to remove your nail varnish... now there you go ladies... de paint yourselves silly will you not?

short and sweet

✿B✿

I am..
I am my mum. I am my step dad, the one that loves me properly. I am my dad who left me. I am my sister, Laura. I am my brother, James. I am my nieces, Caitlin, Kayla and Miella.
I am Thorpe school.I am Jack Hunt. I am Loughborough University. I am Coca Cola. I am Anglia Ruskin University. I am a training Nurse. I am Harlow, Kings Lynn..Peterborough. I am the bullies that made my life hell. I am the friends that made my life heaven. I am the woman who made me leave the prison. I am my ex step dad, who I hated. I am the girls in my old house. I am Priti, who has stood by me through all of it.
I am the first boy who broke my heart. I am the second boy that tried to fix it. I am the girl who loved me. I am the boy that tried to kill me. I am the boy who stood up for my life. I am the boy that took my virginity. I am the boy that cheated on me with Bernie. I am the boy who helped me through the miscarraige. I am the girl who fought with me. I am the 2 girls I spent the whole summer with, day and night. I am all my best friends. I am the boy that stopped me self harming. I am the boys that tried to abuse me and my friend. I am the strength that I got from that…

I am the people who told me I would never make it. I am the people who thought I was wonderful. I am the music that has grown with me. I am the sights I have seen. I am all the films I have watched.
I am the people that danced with me for nights. I am the people I have hurt. I am the people who love me. I am the people who hate me. I am the people who would die for me. I am the people I would die for. I am the people I fell hopelessly in love with. I am undressing myself...for all to see…

I am my idols.

I am my enemies.

I am my friends.

I am my lovers.

I am my crushes.

I am my family.
I am.... totally naked.
I am.

Apologies

Apoligies for not writing anything for MONTHS. Not that it matters too much as no one seems to be reading, and I am not quite sure how to advertise this thing without anyone knowing who I am? Nooo Idea.

So with the beautiful season known as winter nearly out of the way spirits are up. I walked outside today and it felt WARM... I didn't know what to do with myself, I nearly stripped off into a bikini. Ok. Not quite. But I wanted to.

I am having troubles at the moment. I have a crazy amount of hormonal levels and they seem to be rollercoastering through my body. One minute I am prancing about my room like a loonie (the affectionate term of course) then the next I'm in bed.

So we have all just got over Valentine's have we? Brilliant. I am not going to join the "anti" band wagon because we all know its a load of rubbish. When I am not hindering peoples lives as a student nurse I am working in a bar. I think at least 50% of couples in on that important day realised how much they actually hate each other. You can see it in their eyes.

Just imagine, you've booked a table because thats the done thing. You spend the WHOLE night in complete silence, your significant other half spends the night eyeing up the bar staff and so do you... Infact, your probably both considering either a threesome or an open relationship just to keep this thing going.

I love money. Its everyone's excuse to stay monogamous. Excellent

B ✿

No more fat men stuck in chimneys.

Happy boxing day.









The day of boxes and all that.









Christmas isn't my favourite time of year I must say. I find it the time you have to gather with a bunch of people you don't normally give two pennies about [ read : my "extended" family ], listen to music you can't stand and break a very good diet that follows weeks of correction.









No. Not my favourite time at all. This is because the basic logic behind christmas has vanished. And No. I am not talking about the birth of Christ. I'm talking about the fact that it is a time to really appreciate the people around you and the things you have got and be thankful.









Yet my [half] brother and sister believe it is what people give you and what people do for you.









The Best two things about my christmas this year :









- I spent the night of it with my stunning mum and her partner who is practically my dad.




- My friend bought me a signed picture of Chuck Bass [yummy]. Oh yes. That is a fantasy I would love to get my hands on =]

If you have never seen "Gossip Girl" and you are female I suggest you get your hands on it for pure lust factors trust me.

And just to add another lust factor, I have seen that new film out, Twilight. A film has never had such a reaction on me! I have even bought the books. I have seen it twice at the cinema and am still trying to find excuses to go again. You could say this is an obbession. And you may be right.

But there is something about vampires. That confidence they give out. The strength and power. Amazing. (Yes I know they are not real. this doesn't stop me wanting... If there was one way I would choose to die... well...) I shall lengthen on that idea maybe another day...

I normally fall crazily for Vampire films at their best... Interview with a Vampire, Queen of the Damned etc.

But this one... well this one was truly stunning. and shall keep me happy oh I say... at least intil the second film comes out. The main character... Edward Cullen, is played by this beautiful man.. and if he doesn't sway you to love him... I have no idea who possibly could...

And yes kids. I am going to the Convention. See You There?

B x~x

50,000

Ok. So I promised myself I would write in this everyday. but you get mind block. You know?

Plus I'm being totally miserable for no reason at all.

Random fact though, did you know a novel has to be 50,000 words to be classed as a novel? how odd.

I've always wanted to write a novel, maybe when this blog gets to 50,000 I will just try and publish it. see how it goes. Its not quite an Anne Frank novel though is it?

Do you ever get that feeling that you are entirely in the way of life. Like someone put you there to BE in the way? Like those hideous wet floor signs you find everywhere. Especially in MacDonalds. I constantly trip over them.